Paganocity

So yah, right now my life is a delicate balance of completly surving this fall semester and fall into darkness and never seeing Buffalo again. that's what on my shoulders right now and as much as i want to buy that mp3 player i want on amazon, i cant until i get close to my birthday, b/c i cant spare any small amount. im almost 20 and yet im relying on my mother to buy me food so i wont get sick off of the school's food.

So in my head, all i am thinking is 'i will never be able to survive real world. when i graduate afterword, i'm gonna be s.o.l big time and i dont want to be 21 & living at home feeling like im a loser. i want to feel like i deserve to go out and help other people solve the problems of their minds, but how can i help others when i still dont know parts of my own mind?

want to believe that this is a test from the gods but what have i done so bad that sometimes i really wish i wasnt here to cause my mom and uncle grief? they dealt with enough with my older sibling and now theres me, someone whose worthfullness is no longer shining as bright as it did in high school, in fact its not there at all, i look at my work and i think how is this gonna make me fullfilled? i love psychology but usefulness? do i have it?